The Beginning
by samalane
Summary: The war has left its mark on everybody; some a little more strongly than others. Athrun/Kira, slash, established relationship.


**AN:** This was a personal challenge to myself, to see how far I've come in recent years. And largely because I can't stand to even look at what I've written in the past without proving that I have, indeed, improved significantly. It's still a little too rough for my tastes, but it's been sitting around on my hard-drive for far too long.

I think the setting and timeline is fairly obvious - just before Cagalli and Athrun go on that fateful jaunt up into space. Kira and Athrun are in an established relationship - Kira still suffers from the war, etc. There is a fairly detailed sex scene as well, which definitely rates this as NSFW.

That said, enjoy!

* * *

_The Beginning_

* * *

"Maybe you should think about living in the country."

Athrun looked at Cagalli in disbelief.

"In the country? Like, with horses and cows and stuff?"

Cagalli did not look impressed and indeed, regarded Athrun with a look that let him know she was seriously re-evaluating his intelligence.

"I didn't say a farm, idiot. I said the _country_," As if that made all of the difference in the world.

Athrun was still confused and had no idea where this had come from. It wasn't even eight in the morning yet.

"And what exactly do you consider to be the country?" He also didn't understand why he was continuing the conversation but figured he was a masochist. He had to be, if he thought that working as Cagalli's personal bodyguard was a fulfilling and promising career.

Cagalli shrugged absently, more focused drinking her disgustingly black coffee.

"Oh, I dunno. A beach villa or something. Surely Lacus could help you find something. I just think Kira would appreciate the quiet and the nature. He's a quiet guy and he likes nature, right? Maybe it'll make him feel better."

Athrun continued to stare at Cagalli in disbelief.

This was not how he had wanted to start his day.

"God, Cagalli, could you maybe let me finish my coffee before you start in on your neurotic brother and our failing relationship? It is way too early for this," Cagalli narrowed her eyes at him and Athrun felt just the tiniest bit of guilt. Kira wasn't _that_ neurotic.

"Your relationship is _not_ failing, I just think it might be good for Kira to get away from everything. For _both_ of you to get away."

This was both surprisingly considerate and valid, Athrun had to admit. It had been well over a year since the war had ended and Kira wasn't doing much better than he had been then. His insomnia was a force to be reckoned with and if he did sleep it never lasted long – although Athrun never knew until the next morning because Kira was a sneaky one and somehow managed to leave the bed without Athrun ever knowing. They had made it through the war and won and gotten over themselves and gotten _together_ but Kira was …well, depressed, Athrun supposed.

_Although try telling that to him_, Athrun thought with some amusement, recalling a particularly violent conversation between the twins which had resulted in Kira –_Kira_– breaking an ugly vase that Lacus had given them for one reason or another.

"You're probably right," Athrun admitted, sighing noisily and resting his chin in his free hand. He wasn't so sure if he wanted to leave, though. He had been working as Cagalli's bodyguard since the end of the war and it had been so easy for all of them to inhabit the same house – well, mansion, because Cagalli was rolling in absurd amounts of money.

"Of course I am, Kira's my twin brother. I can't be wrong about him," Athrun raised his eyebrows at this but wisely said nothing.

"Do you think he'd want to?" Cagalli shrugged carelessly and tugged a newspaper over.

"Sure, why not? He doesn't care about much these days anyways. I doubt he'll care where he's living," There was something brittle in her tone. Athrun placed his hand down onto the paper and looked her in the eye.

"You're worried."

Cagalli sighed explosively.

"Of course I'm worried! He's been like this for way too long and he hasn't gotten any better. He was okay sometimes during the war, you know – I could make him laugh then. I haven't heard him laugh in _months_," Athrun thought this was an exaggeration, but when he tried to remember the last time he had heard Kira laugh he realized that he couldn't.

"Do you think it would help?" He asked in defeat. Cagalli turned her gaze on him and smiled a little.

"I think so. It has to, even a little bit. I haven't known him for very long, but I do know him _well_. It'll be nice for him to get away from the city and all of the reminders of the war. And he's always liked the country, hasn't he? He seems like a nature loving kind of guy."

"I guess. He liked to study out in the gardens while we were in school. And he always wanted to have our window open, even when it was cold outside," Cagalli smiled.

"So get him a nice little cottage somewhere quiet. You can't go wrong with that," Athrun thought about it for a few moments.

It _would_ be nice, to live in a small house that was big enough for just the two of them. Close enough to a town so that it wouldn't be a hassle to buy groceries and such, but isolated so that they could have some privacy. And it would be _so _nice to have some semblance of privacy and a bedroom where curious and demanding sisters couldn't interrupt them.

"I'll ask him about it when we get back tonight. It might be nice to live on our own. Not that I don't love living with you," he added on hastily as Cagalli glared at him. "Just that we're all adults now and I think that, as adults, we need space and the chance to get our own house. It's, you know, a whole part of that growing up process."

Cagalli's glare lasted for all of five seconds before she broke and gave in to laughter.

"You're so predictable, Athrun. Talk to Kira tonight. I'll miss you guys, but he needs to get away and make himself better. Staying here in Orb isn't helping him any," Athrun nodded.

"I'll bring it up tonight. But …what about you?" Cagalli arched an eyebrow questioningly. "I mean …who will work for you? You can't hire just anybody, you know. They'll need to have a thorough background check and I'll have to approve them because I'm not letting you die just because I gave up the job and let some idiot take over – " Athrun broke off as Cagalli started laughing. "What? You think it's funny?"

"You're not getting rid of me that easily, Athrun! I proposed that you move into the country – I didn't tell you to _leave_ the country! Live outside the city, by all means, but you're not moving so far away that you won't be within commuting distance! I'm keeping you Zala, whether you like it or not."

And there went all of Athrun's hopes of a nice quiet life with his lover on the beach.

* * *

It was much later when he and Cagalli finally returned from their various meetings. Athrun had been bored to tears, standing outside the conference room for hours on end, with nothing to do but daydream about his lover, who in reality had been too snarky to be sexy lately.

Athrun wasn't about to complain though, because Kira had a temper and Athrun had been on the receiving end of that temper and – well, it wasn't pleasant. And at any rate, Kira wasn't himself, hadn't been himself for a long time and Athrun couldn't really blame him for that because it was _hard_ to pick up the pieces after all that they had been through.

And so fantasizing hadn't turned out so well because every time he imagined Kira saying or doing something sexy it just …failed. Kira just didn't do that. In fact Athrun wasn't sure he ever had in the first place, so perhaps he was being unrealistic.

Still, he was home, and despite everything he _liked_ being at home and he liked being with Kira, bristly as he was.

"Kira, I'm home!" He called as he stepped through the door and into their apartment. Cagalli had generously given them the whole west wing on the third floor to take as their quarters. While the apartments were nice, Athrun couldn't help but think about Cagalli's earlier proposal and what it would be like to return to a home that was his and Kira's exclusively. How nice it would be to walk through the door and have Kira greet him with a kiss and in an apron; how nice to eat meals made by his lover and share their days quietly without rude, obnoxious sisters bitching about this official and that politician.

And there he went again, daydreaming. As if Kira would ever wear an apron and Cagalli would never bitch to anyone but him. They were going to kill him, the two of them were, Athrun thought fondly.

"How was your day?" Kira asked mildly, craning his head around the corner. For one crazy moment Athrun thought Kira might have picked up on his subconscious desires and greeted him naked, but was sadly disappointed as the rest of Kira's body came round the corner and Athrun was presented with the pleasant surprise of jeans and a cotton top.

…He was pretty sure those were his jeans.

"Boring as hell. But if you'd listen to Cagalli you'd think that she was sitting in a torture chamber having her nails pulled out. She complained the whole way home," Athrun informed him. Kira grimaced at his words but dutifully embraced him and turned, waving for Athrun to follow him

Not even a welcome home kiss, Athrun thought sadly.

"You already ate, then? I don't really want to sit through that," Kira said, shuffling back into the living room where Athrun spied a bowl of popcorn. _Damn him_.

"Yeah, we picked up something on the way back. I figured food would help her calm down. She wanted me to talk to you about something anyway," Kira looked up him with a strange look of wariness.

"Nothing's happened, has it?" he asked, and Athrun realized he was asking if the world had gone to shit again and if they had to go back out on the battlefield. For a second his throat tightened painfully as he realized Kira dreaded being called back even more than Athrun himself did and he was overwhelmed with the urge to just _hug_ his taciturn lover.

He settled for shaking his head and collapsing onto the sofa.

"Of course not, you would have been the first to know _had_ anything happened," This was not entirely true because he wouldn't have time to explain while dragging both Kira and his sister out of the country. _None_ of them were fighting again.

"Oh. And Lacus is okay? Nothing has happened to her or Reverend Malchio?" Athrun wasn't at all fooled by Lacus' reasons for moving in with Malchio and assisting him with his orphanage, but he had never found the right opportunity to bring up Lacus' sex life. Even Cagalli had refrained from commenting in front of Kira, which was unusually considerate of her.

"As far as I know Lacus is fine. Nothing has happened, I promise. Cagalli just brought up something that she thought I might want to discuss with you," Kira still looked concerned, his eyes narrowed as looked expectantly at Athrun, who found himself feeling a bit flustered. It was …well, rather like a marriage proposal, he thought. What if Kira didn't want to move? Then Athrun would be left feeling foolish and vaguely disappointed. Sorely disappointed, actually, because with every moment he spent with Cagalli he was quickly realizing that it would be _so_ nice to have their own place.

Surely Kira would agree.

"Uh, well. This morning Cagalli and I were talking and I told her about how you used to study in the gardens," This earned him a quizzical look.

"I guess, yeah. The flowers smelled nice," Athrun nodded.

"Well, she noticed that you like being outside and seem to enjoy nature and all that. And, um, yeah," Kira raised his eyebrows and Athrun wondered what it was about Kira that unnerved him so badly. They'd known each other for years, they shared a bed, they fucked one another – there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

He then realized that he was terrified Kira didn't feel the way _he_ did and he had no desire to lose Kira. Not again.

"I'm sorry Athrun, but I have no idea what your point is," Athrun felt some small part of himself shrivel up and die and he willed himself to stop staring at Kira's lips.

"Uh, yeah. Well, she asked me if I thought if you would like to live in the country like Lacus does."

Kira blinked. Athrun tried to keep his face straight as he felt his cheeks flush.

" …Does she want us to move in with Lacus?" He asked, looking discomfited. "Because I have no desire to – well, she and Malchio – he's so _old_," Athrun stared at him in shock.

"You knew!" It was more accusatory than he had intended, but it earned him a very small, wry smile from Kira.

"Of course I knew. I'm not stupid."

"No, of course not, I just – didn't think you would notice," Kira grimaced.

"I, ah, _noticed_. If you call walking in on them noticing," Athrun felt his jaw drop.

"Yeah that was about my reaction too," Athrun felt intense pity for his lover and shook his head slowly.

"I …no, we are _not_ moving in with them. Cagalli said you and I should find a small cottage outside of the city. And I agreed. I thought it might be a nice change for both of us to get away from the city."

Kira raised his eyebrows.

"But what about your job? Who's going to guard Cagalli?" Athrun thought that this was going far differently than he had imagined.

"Well, me. Cagalli said we have to live within driving distance. But, well, Cagalli thought it might help you feel better if you lived in a more peaceful area, and I thought it would be nice if we could have our own home. And I also thought that you might like living away from the city."

Kira frowned and looked away.

"You don't need to move because of me. I'm alright," Athrun hesitated before continuing. He hadn't ever broached the topic before, not like this, and especially not after the blowout between Kira and Cagalli the last time it had been brought up.

"No, you're not," He said lowly. "You're not happy here either. It might be better to get away, to be closer to Lacus and the kids. Somewhere were we don't have to look at the city every day and remember the war."

Kira was silent. Athrun had no idea what to say without insulting him so decided to stay quiet. It felt like a very long time before Kira finally sighed and looked at him with dark eyes.

"Is it really that bad?" he asked softly, startling Athrun out of the sleepy stupor he had fallen into.

"Hmm?"

"Is it really as bad as you say it is? Am I really that miserable?"

Athrun considered his words before throwing caution to the wind.

"Yes," He said and Kira flinched but Athrun soldiered on. They had to deal with this. "I can't even remember the last time you laughed, Kira. You never go out with anybody, you never go outside at all unless we drag you out – and the last time that happened was for the war commemoration. I don't know what to do anymore."

"I'm sorry," Kira muttered hoarsely. "I didn't realize …I didn't think it bothered you."

Athrun sighed.

"It doesn't. Well, no, it does. I just, this isn't like you, is it? You were never like this before, and I don't know what to do. Nothing makes you happy anymore."

Kira closed his eyes and inhaled shakily. Athrun felt an immense wave of guilt wash over him and he wondered what he was doing.

"I just want you to be happy again. I can't – I feel useless. Cagalli worries abut you too, you know. I don't want to – I don't know," Athrun said uselessly, staring down at his hands. Kira sighed heavily before shifting down the couch so he was pressed up against Athrun's arm.

"Do you really think it will help things?" He asked softly. Athrun closed his eyes and shrugged.

"I don't know. I think so. Maybe a little. It would be nice to have our own place, at any rate," Kira let his head fall onto Athrun's shoulder and he realized that this was the closest they had been in weeks. He must have done something right, if Kira was willing to snuggle.

Athrun felt some of the tension leak from his body.

"I wouldn't mind," Kira replied. Athrun glanced down at him but couldn't see much but hair. "It would be nice to be by the ocean."

Athrun exhaled with a sigh and tipped his own head back, relief flooding his body.

"We can start looking for cottages tomorrow then."

"Mmm," Kira said in what Athrun took to be agreement. "I'll try to get better."

Athrun frowned

"Do you even know what's wrong?" He felt Kira shrug.

"The official term is post traumatic stress disorder," Kira said blandly. "Cagalli mentioned it that one day – er, when I …blew up. I looked it up later, though," he paused, as though debating whether to reveal the next bit of information. "It …fits."

Athrun knew what PTSD was and now that it had been thrown out there, he supposed it did fit.

"It takes time," he offered. "I'll help you."

"Doesn't it bother you, though? That I'm like this?" his voice was harsh and it took Athrun by surprise. "How can you just sit there and offer to help – you don't even know if that's the problem! Maybe it's just the way I am, after all. Maybe I'm just bitter and resentful by nature."

"It sounds like it bothers you more than it bothers me," Athrun murmured, trying to figure out where this turn in the conversation came from.

"Of course it bothers me! All I do is sit here and feel guilty and wish that I had died during the war because it isn't fair! It isn't _fair_ that I lived while so many people died and all I've done is _waste_ the life that so many others have lost!"

He pulled away and pinned Athrun with a hard stare, his eyes dark, too dark.

"Kira, you can't think like that…" It was stupid and weak and Kira knew it too as he narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth in a twisted parody of a grin.

"But I _do_," he said bitterly. "I do."

Athrun didn't have anything to say – there was nothing he could say, not then, not with his mind reeling because he hadn't known, he had thought Kira had gotten over that like the rest of them. _Survivors Guilt_, the doctor had said and Athrun had recovered, Cagalli had recovered, Yzak and Dearka had recovered, but Kira hadn't –

"I don't know why you stay with me," Kira said roughly, turning away again. "There are so many people who would treat you better."

Athrun was too stunned to respond. Kira laughed again, a bitter, twisted sound, and got to his feet.

"I'll move out," he said. "I'll stay with Lacus. Maybe it will help. You stay here with Cagalli – you're the only person I trust to look after her – " He took a step and before Athrun was even conscious of what he was doing he grabbed Kira's wrist.

"No," he said, heart pounding desperately. "No, you can't – not without me. Kira I _love_ you."

Kira sighed and fell back onto the couch beside Athrun, shrinking into himself.

"I know," he breathed. "And I don't know why."

It was time to stop playing around, Athrun thought determinedly, as he wrapped his arms around Kira and pulled him in close. He could feel both of their hearts pounding and he buried his face in the juncture between Kira's neck and shoulder.

"I love you, I do. I just want you to be happy."

"I know," Kira whispered. "I know. I'm sorry."

Athrun inhaled deeply, inhaled the scent of vanilla and flesh and warmth.

"Don't leave me," he muttered. "Don't go off by yourself. I want to stay with you."

"I know," Kira said again. "I know."

They stayed like that for a long time.

* * *

Cagalli looked at him with guilt lining her face.

"We have to go, Athrun. We can't stay and do nothing," she was right, of course. Things were already shaky enough as it was, and Cagalli was needed – she had to speak with Durandal, and Athrun needed to be there to keep anything from happening. He was a trained Coordinator soldier, after all, and his name still carried quite a bit of weight. If anyone could keep Cagalli safe, it would be him.

"I want you to know that I had an intense talk with Kira last night and finally got him to admit that there is something wrong with him and he's willing to deal with it and that we now have to postpone that," He said sulkily. Surprisingly enough, Cagalli did not bombard him with questions but bit her lip and looked down at her feet.

"I'm sorry, Athrun. I know you were looking forward to moving out and getting your own place with him. You will, I promise, once this is dealt with."

Athrun sighed.

"I know – it's fine. I'd rather be the one to accompany you into space considering the circumstances."

Cagalli laughed a little shakily.

"I would prefer it if you were the one coming with me, too."

"What about Kira?" Athrun asked. After their most recent discussion he didn't exactly feel good about leaving Kira alone in a giant mansion for however long they were gone. Cagalli frowned and he knew she felt the same.

"He could stay with Lacus and Malchio. You know he'll be safe with them," He would be, although he would have to listen to Lacus and Malchio getting it on every night and Athrun didn't think Kira was going to be happy about that.

"I suppose so," He hedged.

"I'm sorry, Athrun," Cagalli _did_ look sorry, she looked truly guilty as she leant forwards and grabbed one of Athrun's hands with her own. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't ask this of you unless I really needed you though, and I _do_ need you," Athrun knew this and he knew that Kira understand too. It didn't make anything better though.

"When are we leaving?"

"I can give you today and tomorrow, but that's about all."

Athrun sighed.

"It's better than nothing."

* * *

Kira, as Athrun had expected, took the news well enough. He'd insisted that he'd rather have Athrun accompany his sister instead of somebody they didn't know. He had initiated a supper for them under the pretence that he wanted to see Cagalli before she went off into space again.

Athrun rather thought he was just trying to play at normal so they wouldn't feel so bad about leaving him alone.

As it was, they were currently at the orphanage and watching the children run about on the beach below them as they sat on the veranda with Lacus, who listened eagerly to what Athrun had to say about the situation.

"It sounds like things are getting heated again," She commented, and Athrun thought that that was a simple way of putting it. Kira sighed and watched the kids play with an unfathomable expression on his face.

"I'm hoping Cagalli can defuse the situation, although I don't know how much influence she has in PLANT."

"Nobody wants another war, not so soon. If Cagalli can make it obvious that the public won't accept another war, Durandal might agree with her. He seems mostly reasonable."

"I don't like him."

Both Athrun and Lacus looked around in surprise. Kira glared out at the ocean.

"Really? I didn't know that," Athrun said, a little surprised. He hadn't known that Kira kept up on politics.

Kira shrugged.

"There's just something about him that makes me cringe. I don't trust him and I don't think Cagalli should either," He said, turning to look at Athrun with a strangely serious expression on his face. Athrun frowned.

"Kira, he's done so much to help PLANT recover and strengthen alliances – he's a little strange, I suppose, but he isn't all bad," Kira shrugged again.

"I just don't like him," He repeated firmly. It was a little unnerving, because Kira wasn't one to form quick judgments – that was Cagalli.

"I would be careful around him," Lacus agreed softly. Athrun looked at her in surprise and she smiled a little sheepishly. "I don't really trust him either. I don't like the look in his eyes."

Athrun looked between the two of them and laughed helplessly.

"Well, I suppose if both of you dislike him, I should keep an eye out. I mean, it really says something when the two most peaceful people I know dislike the same person," Lacus laughed and even Kira smiled before playfully nudging Athrun's shoulder with his own.

"You _should _trust me. Remember that time in school, when you refused to see reason and continued to hang out with Jin, even though he was only using you for your homework?" Athrun groaned.

"Please don't remind me, it took me hours to convince you to unlock the door," Lacus covered her mouth with her hand and giggled. Athrun glared at her. Kira had at first crowed about his being right all along before locking Athrun out of their room, declaring that if Athrun didn't trust him then there was no reason to room with him.

"You think it's funny, but you've never been on the receiving end of Kira's wrath. He's impossible to deal with," Kira rolled his eyes heavenwards, but there was a grin lifting the corner of his mouth. Athrun felt his heart jump into his throat and thought that maybe Cagalli right – they _did_ need to get away from the city.

"That's because you could be so stupid sometimes," Athrun shrugged.

"I guess. I wasn't the only one though," he said with a grin, and Kira arched a single brow before looking away.

"I don't know what you mean,"

"Oh, come on. Remember when Davis dared you to climb the pear tree because he bet you were too scared to and you did, but then you fell and broke your arm," Kira flushed and Lacus laughed again.

"My, you two certainly got up to a lot while you were in school!" she exclaimed. Athrun grinned.

"At least I proved him wrong," Kira interjected.

"Yeah, but you cried all the way to the hospital wing."

"I broke my arm in two places!" Kira said defensively. He crossed his arms and glared mildly at Athrun, but he still had that half grin on his face, as though he were reluctant to admit he was enjoying himself. Athrun felt a deep surge of affection well up in him and he slung an arm around Kira's shoulders.

"That was the day I realized you were a crybaby."

"Shut up," Kira said without any heat.

"It's okay. Everyone knows it," Athrun teased, except that he wasn't anymore. Athrun hadn't seen him cry in a very long time, not since he had found him among the wreckage of the Freedom –

"It's unfortunate," Kira said lightly. "That I am the only person alive who still has the photos from time you begged me to dye your hair for you."

It _was_ unfortunate, and Athrun blushed.

"You don't!"

"I do," Kira replied smugly, grinning fully now. Lacus made a strange sort of gasping sound and leant forwards, her eyes twinkling with mirth.

"No way!" she exclaimed. "What colour?"

"Blonde," Kira stated loudly. Athrun groaned and let go of Kira in favour of hiding his face in his hands.

"Blonde! Athrun – blonde!?"

"I hated my hair, okay? I mean, who decides that they want their child to have blue hair?"

"I have purple eyes," Kira pointed out.

"And I have pink hair," Lacus chimed in. Athrun groaned again.

"But you're a girl – pink hair is nice. And you have beautiful eyes, Kira. But blue, really? I'll never understand why my mother decided to carry on the tradition."

"I think it's a Coordinator thing," Lacus said seriously. "To give your children the most outlandish features possible. I mean, look at Cagalli, she's got blonde hair and brown eyes."

Athrun briefly thought about Yzak and Nicol and decided that Lacus might be on to something. He nodded.

"I think you're right."

"I still want to know how your hair turned out."

Athrun groaned and Kira chuckled, surprising both Athrun and Lacus into laughter as well.

If it made Kira laugh again, he would gladly show those photos to Lacus.

* * *

Athrun slid under the covers of their bed and sighed at the blissful feeling of cool cotton against his overheated skin. It was warm at this time of year and humid near the ocean. After living so long in the artificial climates of PLANT Athrun had issues getting used to the heat and humidity of Orb.

The bathroom light flicked off and Athrun listened as Kira made his way over to the bed.

"What time do you have to leave tomorrow?" Kira asked as he pulled back the covers. Athrun sighed.

"Early, sometime between six and seven. Cagalli will want to get a move on," he heard Kira hum as he joined Athrun beneath the covers; Athrun spread out one arm and caught Kira around the shoulders –his very bare shoulders– and drew him close to his side.

All he had wanted was for Kira to cuddle with him one last time before he left, but Kira surprised him by swinging his arm over Athrun's chest and maneuvering himself so that he was laying half on top of Athrun. His eyes glittered in the moonlight as he smiled down at him

Athrun couldn't help but notice that Kira's shoulders were indeed bare, which was strange because Kira usually slept with a top on, but it was warm in here, so Athrun couldn't blame him for the change.

He wrapped his other arm around Kira's waist and had the distinct feeling that Kira actually had nothing on at all.

Kira smiled.

"Humor me," Was all he said before dipping his head and pressing his lips to Athrun's.

_Calm down_, Athrun told himself as his pulse accelerated wildly. _Kira kisses you sometimes, this is no big deal_.

He slid his hand down a little further until he was cupping bare flesh and was certain Kira had no pants on.

Kira broke the kiss and grinned a little.

"Surprise?"

Athrun stared.

_He has no clothes on_.

Kira was apparently satisfied with Athrun's stunned silence and began to press soft kisses to Athrun's jaw and neck, humming with every other breath.

"Come on, don't make me do all the work here," He murmured, lips hovering just over Athrun's pulse point and Athrun honestly didn't know what to do.

"Are you – you want to?" Kira pulled away with a sigh and fixed Athrun with an indecipherable gaze. His eyes looked nearly black in the darkness of the room.

"I'm naked and on top of you. What do you think?"

Athrun thought that this was unlike Kira and was about to ask why before he realized it might have been because he was leaving for an undetermined amount of time tomorrow morning.

Definitely it.

So he smiled and kissed Kira's chin.

"Sorry," he whispered, nuzzling his jaw line with his nose. "You don't …instigate."

Kira sighed again, though this time Athrun determined it to be one of pleasure.

"I know, most of the time I don't want to," He admitted, pinning Athrun with his dark gaze. "I want to now."

It was strange, the effect that those words had upon Athrun. Titillating and honest and even sexy; he cupped the back of Kira's head and pressed him down until their mouths met again and Kira was opening his mouth eagerly, moaning lightly as Athrun took control of the encounter and reacquainted himself with Kira's mouth.

His other hand slipped down until he was cupping Kira's rear with both hands.

"You have no idea how much I want you," Athrun whispered, breaking the kiss and turning his attention to the soft skin of Kira's neck, nipping at one spot under his jaw. Kira sighed happily before smiling a little dazedly.

"I think I do," He murmured, and rubbed his thigh against Athrun's steadily growing erection. Athrun groaned and pulled Kira's hair a little.

"If you keep acting like this I'm going to lose it," Kira smiled at him, sultry and confident and Athrun wondered just _what_ had changed because he hadn't seen him act like this …well, maybe ever. They hadn't had a chance to be sultry and sexy with one another before the war.

"Then lose it, I want you to," Athrun locked eyes with Kira and they stared one another down. "Come on, Athrun, I won't break," He murmured. "I'm not fragile. I _want_ you."

"You want me to fuck you," It wasn't a question and Kira groaned.

"_Yes_," It was almost a hiss really, and the sound of it sent shivers down Athrun's spine. He pulled Kira down to him again and kissed him hard this time, biting down on his lower lip and holding tight to his hair. Kira only sighed into his mouth and pressed himself against Athrun in response.

He shouldn't have been, but Athrun was surprised to feel the telltale hardness digging into his hip.

"Kira – "

"Shut up," Kira whispered, sealing his mouth over Athrun's again. There wasn't much Athrun could do in response to that, so instead he focused on Kira's hands snaking under his shirt and pushing it up before lightly tracing the outline of his ribs.

Athrun hooked an arm around his waist and tugged him up and over so that he was sitting on top of Athrun, settled right over his groin and he was barely aware of the fact that he was slowly grinding himself against Kira, who moaned kiss.

Athrun grinned against his lips.

"You're wearing too much," Kira muttered, tugging impatiently at Athrun's shirt. Athrun compliantly raised his torso and held his arms over his head before Kira threw the shirt to the side and attached his mouth to one clavicle, sucking enthusiastically. Athrun groaned and ran a hand down Kira's back.

"_Kira_," Athrun sighed, bringing his hands around front and running them up Kira's stomach and chest.

"I want you _now_," Kira half sighed, grinding himself back down against Athrun, who groaned.

"I need – "

"This?" Kira pulled back far enough to brandish the small tube of lubricant that he had obviously packed as they were leaving Orb. Athrun nearly choked the knowledge that Kira had meant for this to happen from the very beginning and nodded his head.

"Ah, yes."

"You do it," Kira whispered, leaning down to kiss his cheek. Athrun nipped at his earlobe and earned himself a shudder for his efforts.

"Of course," He took the tube from Kira and shakily squeezed some of the gel onto his hands. He mixed it between his fingers before sliding his hand down Kira's back, pausing as Kira spread his legs and buried his face in Athrun's neck.

He was embarrassed, Athrun realized.

"You're ready, then? No foreplay?" Kira groaned into Athrun's shoulder.

"No, just hurry up. I want you inside me."

Athrun briefly wondered at Kira's urgency but complied anyway, gently slipping in one finger and then another when Kira muttered that it wasn't enough. Athrun felt enormous pressure to get this right, to do it well – there was something momentous about this, about everything, about Kira coming to him and letting him do this and it was almost too much to bear. He had to make it good, he had to make it so good – after everything, the least he could do was make Kira feel _good_.

"Athrun," Kira groaned. "That's enough, I'm ready," Athrun had barely withdrawn his fingers before Kira palmed his erection once, twice, before arranging himself over Athrun and sinking down onto him.

Athrun threw his head back and gasped sharply. He hadn't thought – hadn't expected –

Well. This was even better than his fantasies. He had never imagined Kira would do something like this.

And it felt unbelievable as Kira sunk down onto him, gravity forcing their bodies together and Kira's weight was more than welcome, beyond welcome as he took Athrun in entirely, slowly, until flesh met flesh and there was absolutely nothing between them. _Nothing_.

Athrun groaned; Kira panted.

"_Fuck_," Kira didn't swear often, Athrun thought dazedly. He clenched his teeth and rolled his head around until he was looking up at Kira, who was sitting in his lap and breathing harshly. His eyes were nearly luminous and Athrun thought he could die happy.

"…Alright?" He managed to ask. Kira inhaled deeply before nodding his head.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm good," He muttered harshly, his voice deep and hoarse and wild. It was too much and Athrun had to grab onto Kira's hips, _anything_, to keep him grounded. "You can move," Kira added and Athrun did as he was told, slowly rocking his hips. Kira sighed and rolled his own hips in response.

"Athrun."

He paused and looked up at Kira, who leant forwards until their noses were nearly touching.

"I won't break," He whispered. Athrun hummed before Kira pressed a quick kiss to his lips and then lifted his hips before rolling them down again.

Athrun groaned.

"Ah, Kira – " All he received was a half grin before Kira repeated the movement again, and then again. It was nearly tortuous, the slow pace that he was going at, and it wasn't long before Athrun was desperately thinking of taking control of things and driving deep into Kira's body, when Kira groaned above him and swore.

_Ah_. Athrun grinned.

"Found it?" Kira only groaned again and continued to impale himself upon Athrun. It wasn't long before his movements, if possible, became slower. Athrun ran his hands down Kira's hips and thighs, noting that he was trembling with the effort to sustain the pace they were going at, which was admittedly quite slow.

"Kira," He paused and looked down at Athrun, who reached up to brush his sweaty fringe out of his eyes. Kira sighed and pressed a kiss to his palm before lifting his hips once more. This time, Athrun caught Kira before he could sink back down and maneuvered him onto the mattress beside him. It didn't take Kira long to realize what was happening as Athrun clambered over him; he slid down the bed and wrapped his legs around Athrun's waist. Athrun pressed a hurried kiss to his lips before entering him again.

Something was different tonight. Perhaps it was the location, or the conversation they had had the other night, or even the fact that Athrun was leaving the next morning. Whatever it was, something had changed, and it was unmistakable even as Athrun thrust into Kira and groaned.

It didn't take him long to fall back into a rhythm that Kira matched easily. Kira grinned briefly before tipping his head back, his dark hair spilling against the pillow and he groaned loudly. _Revenge_, Athrun thought dazedly. Revenge for all those nights Kira had suffered through Lacus and Malchio getting busy in the next room over.

Athrun laughed, or attempted to, although it came out a little more strangled then he would have liked. Kira laughed as well, before sighing and angling his hips up towards Athrun's. He grinned at him again.

It was his eyes, Athrun realized, that made tonight different. There was something there, something that Athrun couldn't name but he knew had been missing. A vitality that had been long gone and it was back, Kira was here and alive and they were both _alive_, both safe, together and so close, impossibly close and it was _so_ good to be like this, _so good, beyond good _–

"_God_ – Athrun, don't stop, don't stop, _don't stop_," Kira chanted mindlessly, pressing his hips back into him and they were both murmuring nonsense and it didn't matter, nothing mattered but this, is was so good and Athrun was close to done, too close to done. He could feel it rising within him, white hot heat flooding his entire body and his entire body tensing with the inevitability of it; he barely had time to gasp Kira's name before he was thrown over the edge spilling himself into Kira, which was undeniably erotic but he was done and could barely breathe, let alone _think_ because it was so good –

"_Fuck_," Kira said harshly and Athrun was barely aware of the liquid heat spilling between the two of them, or how Kira bit down hard on his shoulder in a desperate attempt to muffle his swearing. It was all he could do to keep from collapsing directly on top of Kira; he fell perhaps a little to heavily anyways, but Kira said nothing.

After an indeterminable amount of time, Athrun became aware of the fact that the room was silent save for his and Kira's breathing and that Kira must have been dying because Athrun was laying on top of him and it was so _hot_. He slowly pulled out of Kira, earning himself a grunt of discomfort before he fell onto the bed, landing on his back.

"I hate this feeling," Kira muttered, and Athrun lazily rolled his head to the side where Kira was splayed out.

"What feeling?"

"Empty."

Athrun wondered if it meant literally or figuratively, and then decided that he meant both. He was too hot to cuddle though and Kira had made it clear that he disliked post-orgasm cuddling, so instead he groped around until his found Kira's hand and brought it to his face, kissing it.

Kira sighed.

"Make sure you come back," Athrun paused and looked at Kira, who was staring blankly at the ceiling.

"Of course I will."

"I mean it," Kira said lowly. "Don't leave me alone. I don't know what I'll do if you don't come back."

Athrun's throat suddenly felt tight.

"…I won't stay there. I have you to come back to."

Kira chuckled and tilted his head until he was smiling at Athrun.

"Well, I guess that's enough, isn't it?"

Athrun smiled back languidly.

"I think so."

* * *

Kira looked tired, wearing one of Athrun's shirts and a loose pair of pants. He had no socks on and instead stood barefoot on the veranda. His hair was mussed and he had circles under his eyes, which were bright with some emotion. They weren't dull, at the very least, and for that Athrun was glad.

Lacus pulled away from their embrace and looked up with a stern expression on her face.

"Remember what we said, Athrun. Don't trust anyone other than Cagalli, and don't let anybody convince you of anything. Just do your job and bring yourselves back home safely," Athrun tried to smile but it felt more like a grimace.

"I will," Lacus sighed.

"Send Cagalli my love," She kissed Athrun's cheek one last time before backing away. "I'll go inside and make sure nobody bothers you two while you say goodbye."

"Thanks, Lacus," Kira said with a half smile. Lacus laid a hand on his arm and smiled at him before making her way inside. The door screen door swung shut behind her and Kira turned his attention back to Athrun, who smiled a little.

"I'm expecting to see you back here within a week," Kira said seriously, stepping over to Athrun, who brushed some of Kira's hair out of his face and smiled.

"I expect to be back here within a week. Any delays can and will be your sister's fault," Kira smiled and caught Athrun's hand in his own.

"Just make sure you come back," That lump was in his throat again and Athrun wondered if it was the tired expression on Kira's face or the worry in his voice. He wrapped his arms around Kira's shoulders and held him tightly. It took him one hesitant moment, but Kira returned the embrace and buried his face in Athrun's shoulder.

"I'm coming back. I promise."

"You have to come back to me," Kira murmured.

"I will."

"You _have_ to," Athrun pulled away enough to lean in and kiss Kira. He would have expected it to be soft and gentle, but Kira lifted his hands to Athrun's face and cupped his jaw and Athrun found himself thoroughly kissed. He had barely started to respond in kind when Kira pulled away and fixed him with an indecipherable gaze.

"Come back to me," He repeated, his voice low.

"I always will," He said the words without even thinking about them, but they seemed it must have been the right thing to say, because Kira's face relaxed a little.

"Go on then. God knows Cagalli will complain the entire flight if you show up late," Athrun chuckled and forced himself to step away as Kira let go of him.

"I'll miss you," He said. Kira smiled and reached out to brush a hand along his jaw.

"I will too. Call me this evening and let me know how things went."

"I will. I love you," It was still strange to hear himself uttering those words, even now. Kira hummed and let his hand fall.

"I …love you too," It was even stranger to hear Kira say, but it made Athrun ridiculously happy.

"Stay safe. I'll be back, I promise," Kira quirked one side of his mouth into that half smile of his and Athrun decided it was high time that he left. So he grabbed his bag and made his way up to his car. He didn't look back while he threw the bag in the back seat and indeed, didn't look back at the villa until he was on the highway and could see the front porch in his rearview mirror.

His last glance was of Kira and Lacus standing together on the porch, Lacus's dress swaying around her bare legs in the soft breeze, Kira's arm around her shoulder. They were both watching as he drove away and with a pang of regret, Athrun swore he return to them, no matter how difficult things became.

After all –etching into his memory the way Kira's hair was falling into his face and the slender shape of his bare ankles– he had the two of them to return to.


End file.
